So why have a date with your spouse - you live with them don’t you? The answer to that is, setting time aside for each other is as important, if not more important, than all the other business sides of marriage. What is the business of marriage? The kids activities, the mortgage payments, the car servicing and any amount of other necessary conversations a couple need to have, to run the family. Taking time aside for just you as a couple, like you used to before the mortgage or the rent, before the bills, the kids and before life got crazy.
Dating reconnects you to each other.
Just as important as that reconnection time, is praying together, which I understand can be very challenging for a couple if it’s not been in your regular routine. Let me assure you that by putting these two disciplines into your relationship, you will see benefits down the track.
So how do you plan a date with your spouse? If the kids are little, do what my husband and I did - we set them in front of a safe movie for an hour on a Saturday morning and had an hour together, just the two of us. That was some 25 years ago and it’s still in place now, even though the kids are long gone and have kids of their own. If you’d prefer to have your date at night, after getting the kids to bed in the evening, you might watch a movie together and then discuss your feelings and thoughts about the movie. Make sure there’s some talking time and you’re not just watching the movie then going to bed. Other ideas might be things like: doing a quick jigsaw puzzle together or draw some crazy pictures and trying to explain your thoughts or you might just have a chat.
What to talk about you ask? There’s a great free app called Gottman Card Decksand this will give you some conversation starter if you stick to the love maps and open-ended questions. There are some other discussion groupings in that app but I suggest that you don’t attempt the difficult questions if your relationship is challenged and unless you are seeing a counsellor.
If you can, get out and go to an inexpensive restaurant. To manage the finances, you could share one entree and main, just as long as you schedule regular time together alone. The content of your conversation is important though. If you’ve been married a little time, what interests each of you have now is probably quite different to what your interests were when you were first dating. So it’s really important to catch up on likes and dislikes now, even things like your favourite foods or movie types.
I work with Christian couples and I have found that setting regular date times aside, several times a week for even just 10 minutes to pray and check in on the day and then give some really beautiful, empathetic, reflective feedback is valuable for the couple in trouble. If you are looking for a good couples’ Christian counsellor, may I recommend going to the Christian Counsellors Association of Australia website (CCAA) to find one in your local area, as couples work is best done face-to-face with a Christian counsellor.
Focus on the family have some good resources available and here are some conversation starters that might be helpful for you:
Focus on the Family Australia are having a marriage retreat in Ringwood Victoria from the 18th – 20th October. You can check out more on their website. I am scheduled to be assisting them on the Saturday morning at that retreat so it might be really fun to meet you there.
One last thought. I can almost hear the wives thinking this - my husband won’t step up to organise the date night. He won’t pray and I want him to do that. Some husbands find it difficult to begin these processes and if it’s important enough to you as the wife, may I suggest that you do what I did and help your husband by starting the process. Once it’s in place, you’ll both be better off for it and you can begin to release ownership of that. But sometimes we women, have to begin,because it's such an important and necessary part of keeping your marriage alive and healthy.
Finally, I’ve collected some prayers for couples to pray for each other if you’re stumped in that area. It’s vitally important that your prayers are not malicious in any way so that your spouse does not feel threatened, but safe, making sure that your prayers are open and inclusive. To begin you could give thanks for your spouse and your marriage or pray for the needs of your spouse or children. If you would more prayer ideas, please email me on info@petaempoweringyou.com and I’ll send you a starter list.
God bless
Peta
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